An Introvert’s Worst Nightmare: Performing Emotions

Dear Sisters,

I know all of us have very different personalities and different ways we express our emotions. I can count on my older sister, Jade, to cry at least 3 times a day. About 4/6 of you are guaranteed to be smothering your faces with tissue boxes during a movie. Crying, for some reason, has always been a hard thing for me. Crying when I’m happy is extremely rare. Crying when I’m sad— also not very common, but it’s much more likely to happen, especially when I am embarrassed.

The last time I cried around you guys was when my oldest sister Meg casually talked about how she wanted to be buried. She talked happily about wanting her body to be in a wooden boat, cast out to the deep wonders of the ocean to never return. I was embarrassed that tears came flooding out of me, and I gasped, “I don’t want you to be in a boat.” Picturing her lifeless body going farther and farther away was what finally released the dam that’s held back tears for years. All of my sisters huddled around me and started crying in a big group hug because my tears were contagious.

Emotions. We all feel them, but we express them in such different ways. Introverts and extroverts will most definitely be opposites in how we express them. I’m a social person, but I’ve always considered myself an introvert. I’m always a listener, tucked away in the corner observing everyone laughing and sharing stories. 

I never realized how expressionless I appear to be until millions of strangers online pointed it out. I made a cute little Tik Tok with my girlfriend at the time where we painted each other and revealed it at the very end. Oh boy, surprises always scare me. It’s because I have no control over the situation, and I like control. But I didn’t think about that at this moment—I just wanted to do something cute with my partner.

At the end of the video, I revealed the painting I had drawn of her. She’s one of the most expressive, excitable people I’ve ever met. It’s honestly one of the things that made me fall for her. She gasped, smiled, gracefully touched her heart, and cried when she saw mine.  Uh oh. My turn was coming up next. I was so excited to see hers, but I realized that to my own demise I was being recorded and now suddenly my genuine reaction felt like a performance.

The red curtains were drawn and as I saw her masterpiece, all that came out was, “Wow, that’s so cool and amazing” in a monotone voice and a smile. That’s how I’ve always expressed seeing cool and amazing things, but I didn’t realize how freaking weird it looked on the outside when I’m feeling stoked on the inside. I’ve just never been the type of person to cry or jump up and down with excitement over anything. Announce me as a Grammy award winner, and I’ll casually walk up to the podium and say “This is neat.” 

I got roasted like a delicata squash made at Christmas dinner. People thought I was angry that her artwork was better. Or they thought I hated her piece. Or maybe I’m just a bitch. I found myself stressed out reading the comments. I felt immensely misunderstood and judged. It felt like a warzone, with half of the online crowd being hateful towards my reaction with the other half of the crowd saying they could relate and they react the same way when they are given gifts.

A lot of these people mentioned they were autistic, which is a whole different conversation. I asked my then girlfriend if I might be autistic because she is (maybe it takes one to know one), but she said no, I’m just introverted. It is important to recognize that many people who are on the spectrum do also struggle with expressing emotions and reading emotional cues on others, and it’s important to give them grace. I didn’t realize this was a universal experience amongst people with autism until many people reached out to me. So whether you are bad at expressing emotions because of shyness or autism, they’re all perfectly valid. 

I realized that the people who know me and care about me know how I express myself. My partner then knew I was excited to see her painting. She’ll know I’m peeing my pants with excitement if she proposes to me someday even if I’m not sobbing and jumping 6 feet into the air. I always get major anxiety towards my birthday if I know I’m getting presents. How do I react? Will I seem appreciative enough? If I overcompensate, will I look too appreciative to the point that it looks ingenuine? I’m so overwhelmed right now. I wish I was home in bed opening the presents alone. But I know that the excitement of opening presents in front of your friends is that they want to see the joy on your face, and that’s the least I could offer them for doing something so sweet for me.

The important thing is, the extroverts in our lives will express themselves by doing what seems fit for them, and if they understand us, they will let us express ourselves with what feels right to us. Society gives us a script on how we should look or appear when given gifts or exciting news. Truth is, there shouldn’t be a script. Just be yourself. Heck, if Aubrey Plaza can do it, so can I. 

Sent from my iPhone, 

Rena