Entering the Dating World for the First Time after Realizing you’re Bi/Lesbian
Dear (baby gay) sisters,
Happy pride month! I thought that writing an LGBTQ+ blog would be fitting for this month. This blog is specifically for any woman who just realized she likes girls and wants to enter the new, unexplored world of dating women! I will also open up about my own personal experiences when I first realized I was attracted to women back in early high school. You might feel lost, lonely, scared, or even excited; there’s a whole range of emotions that comes with realizing your new sexuality. I remember when I was 16, and I just realized my attraction to women. Little me was so sheltered growing up that I didn’t even know girls could like girls until just a couple years prior; I only thought very obviously flamboyant men could be gay! Oh boy, did I have a lot to learn.
While I was excited for this new discovery, it was simultaneously devastating because I was in a relationship with a boy for almost a year who I loved very much. I knew that I had to let go in order to pursue this part of myself that was pulling me with a powerful magnet. It was painful leaving someone who I had cherished and who showed me how beautiful love could be. It seems to be a big stereotype that women “turn gay” just because they hate men or they can’t get a man, but that is far from the truth. Being a lesbian is about loving women, not about hating men (but yes, absolutely fuck the patriarchy).
I remember the first thing I felt I had to do when I came out was “look gay” in order to tell the entire world, hey, this is who I am. And also, girls, date me. I chopped my hair off, bought cologne, and started wearing boxer briefs. I mean, it worked. Suddenly everyone in high school knew I was a raging homosexual when I walked around with my rainbow belt everyday. My high school self knew how homophobic my little Utah town was that I lived in, so dressing as masculine as possible was a way to rebel. A way to say “this is who I am, fuck off.” Also, it was a way for other closested queers to see me and feel less alone. I think times have changed a lot since a decade ago as far as acceptance goes. It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s a hell of a lot better. But with the knowledge and experience I know as a 28 year old woman, you can be super gay no matter how you present yourself on the outside. Sexuality is not always a fashion sense. I just looked like a masculine woman, and people generally perceive masculine women to be gay, but that isn’t always the case. I’ve since then enjoyed being able to explore different types of fashion on the scales of femininity without fear of being perceived as “less gay.”
Alright, now onto the fun stuff (well, depending on who you ask): DATING. I remember how desperate I was to get my first kiss, first hand hold, first relationship--anything with a girl! I think my biggest piece of advice for this initial pre-anything-with-a-girl period, is be picky. You know that check-list I had for boys that they had to reach before I would date them? I tore it up and burned it when I wanted a girlfriend. I let myself go out with girls who I had no attraction to, or who I was attracted to but they treated me like crap. I think it’s important to be patient and still wait for the right girl so you don’t risk wasting either her or your time.
It was hard finding girls to date in my small, religious town before dating apps existed. Even with the dating world right under our fingertips through our iPhones, still, be picky. Don’t get frustrated that you don’t click with a girl after going on several dates. It took me about 30+ different dates before I met my first serious girlfriend. Funny story, I actually met her immediately after a bad date. She messaged me on OkCupid, “You wanna come play Bingo with me and my coworkers?” as I was leaving a bland date, and I thought, fuck it, my make-up’s already done. We had a beautiful 3 and a half year relationship that followed.
If you’ve only ever dated men, one big thing to keep in mind as you dip your toes in the gay waters, is that there are no societal assigned roles. This will be the biggest adjustment for you. You’re used to men being the ones to pursue you and ask you out, but now, you can’t always rely on it. I shouldn’t be giving this advice cause heck, I need it the most. I’m terrible at pursuing women because of my fear of rejection or fear of making a woman uncomfortable. But it’s important to let that go, and one thing that helps me is think, “If a woman came up to me and asked me out, how would it make me feel? Fucking stoked!! Even if I wasn’t interested? Still, hella stoked!” Don’t be afraid to make the first move! I’m also screaming that at myself every day. Let’s work on that together.
I know what you’re probably thinking: “No girl’s going to want to date me if I don’t have any experience!” That isn’t true. My biggest advice is just treat your date like a person who you are getting to know and connecting with, rather than a vessel to experiment your sexuality with. The right woman will be patient and supportive. And also, please don’t watch highly produced lesbian porn to prepare you for lesbian sex. They are typically made by straight women, and are not accurate depictions of lesbian intimacy. There are plenty of other avenues to take, but a lot of the time, you just learn by practicing with a patient partner! You will be awkward in the bedroom, but hey, that’s okay, we all start somewhere. My first time with a girl was not the greatest, and it still haunts me sometimes. I just laid there like a log and didn’t move or say a single word. I remember she looked up at me and asked, “Why are you so quiet? Not even a single moan?” I didn’t even respond. I was just in shock. I had a pretty good time, but she got back together with her boyfriend the next morning.
That was a decade ago, but the embarrassing moments still happen. Last year when I was having sex with a woman I had just met that evening who lived a couple hours away, she asked me, “Can you come again?” I was laying there naked, out of breath, and replied, “Um..yeah, I should be able to some time next month. Let me check my schedule.” She just stared blankly at me and said, “No, I meant like can you cum again, like right now.” Oh my god, that also still haunts me to this day. Just a fair warning, you will probably experience lots of moments like this, because our heads are in scrambles when we’re finally dating someone of the gender we are actually very much attracted to. You know how in teen movies the boy says a jumble of words that doesn’t make sense when he is talking to a hot girl? Yep, that’s us now. The important thing is to be able to laugh it off with your partners, and if they judge you for it, she’s not the one.
Anyway, thank you for reading this, I wish you the best of luck on your journey with coming out and dating women for the first time!
Sent From My iPhone,
Rena Frampton
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