Going Through Heartbreak While Falling in Love

Dear Sisters,

It can be a really confusing thing to go through heartbreak and fall in love at the same time. I figured that because I was non-monogamous, it was inevitable that this would happen to me at some point. Every relationship has its own journey, and it’s impossible to control how relationships may overlap. 

Every love is meant to happen when it’s meant to happen. Unfortunately, some loves might happen when you feel like you’re not ready for it. I know there’s a famous quote, “Right person, wrong time.” Call me crazy, but I don’t believe in that quote. I think if it’s the right person, you’ll do everything in your power to make it the right time. This was the first time in my life I went through a hard break-up while trying to nurture a new relationship. Let me tell you, it was fucking hard. 

I remember I was going through a really difficult day with my partner. It was when I knew the relationship I had cherished was ending soon and wasn’t working anymore. I had a date planned with a woman I had been dating for 2 months (all with my partner’s knowledge of course). 

Things were still casual. I remember I had cried all night from long talks with my partner. My eyes were puffy and red. My date and I were going to meet at the park and play basketball. I drafted out a text saying that I needed to cancel because I wasn’t in a good head space. I remember holding my phone and staring blankly at the screen. I really wanted to see her and had been looking forward to this date all week. I knew this could be the downfall if I still went and she was turned off by the bags under my eyes and the sluggishness in my voice from lack of sleep. But… my heart was telling me to go. 

I deleted the drafted text and told her that I was going to pick her up at 7:30. I put on some make-up and slapped a fake smile on my face as I drove. That smile immediately morphed into a big genuine smile when I saw her bounce over to my car in her bright colored sneakers. If I canceled this date I would have never gotten to laugh with her when my dog quickly devoured some golden treasure she found in the grass (a piece of ant-infested pizza). I would have never got to hold onto her hand a second too long every time I gave her a high five for successfully shooting the ball into the hoop.  I would have never gotten to experience a first kiss from her that I’ve been yearning for for the past 2 months. 

I came home from that date still feeling the high from our time together, but the energy in my apartment was dreary and dark and it started to get to me. My partner was happy for me that I had a good time on my date, but I could still see the sadness painted on her face. This person was my best friend for a year and a half and I loved her so much. I took my partner on a platonic date the next day to show her how much I loved her. But I couldn’t love her the way she wanted to be loved. It was like saying good bye, and it fucking hurt. Let’s have one last good date. We both needed it. I so badly wanted her to find the love she deserved, but I knew she wouldn’t be the one letting me go. We should have let go several months before because of how unhealthy our relationship was, but neither of us were strong enough. Finally letting go was gut wrenchingly painful, and yet so freeing at the same time.

We thought we could live together as exes, but it grew increasingly challenging each day. Sure, me and my other partner lasted the first couple of months of our courtship by going on dates at bars and watching movies in the backseat of her car, but not being able to cook her dinner or watch a movie on the couch was really hard. I knew I had to move out in order to give my new relationship what she deserved: feeling welcome in my home. I remember the excitement I felt when I finally signed a new lease a couple weeks later. I also remember sobbing that last night for the first time since our official break up. I cried as I fell asleep, knowing it was the last night in the apartment we made into a home. How can you be so excited and yet so devastated about losing something? It made my brain hurt. It was a roller coaster of feelings.

I know that for most break-ups, you’ve got that time period after which you can be single, work on yourself, and heal before you enter back into the dating world. It was strange having to skip that part due to having two overlapping relationships, but I also am a strong believer that it’s possible to heal while you’re falling in love. I made sure to still do the typical post break-up things like reach out to friends and family for emotional support, pursue my passion in music, exercise, and therapy. I made sure to not love bomb the new person I was dating and take things at a steady pace. I was determined to bring positivity to our dates and leave my depressive spells at home. She brought smiles to my face and made me feel on top of the world, but I still had my own healing to do. I had to make sure my baggage from my break up would not affect our relationship. 

Thank you for letting me get vulnerable and share with you a screenshot of what it was like dealing with heartbreak while maintaining another newer relationship. I hope that whoever else may go through this, non-monogamous or even monogamous, that you handle it with grace and care and go easy on yourself when it gets hard. Like all things, it gets easier with time. 

Sent From my Iphone,

Rena