We have all been hurt or betrayed in some capacity in our lives. Big or small, it is one of the most painful things someone can experience. We choose to trust someone, only for them to hurt us and cause us pain. You may go through physical responses such as body shakes, insomnia, loss of appetite, anxiety, as well as intense emotional pain.
The human body feels physical, tangible pain from being hurt by someone we thought would have never done that to you. After the initial shock passes, the person who betrayed you may want another chance. It is solely up to you to grant this or not. There are a lot of things to think about and consider. I would take time and not rush into a decision until your body and mind are more grounded after such a traumatic experience.
Here are some instances where I would NOT give someone another chance:
They minimize their actions. They say things like it wasn’t a big deal or it could’ve been worse. Or they say things like “I could’ve done xyz but I chose to do the lesser offense instead!”
They put ANY sort of blame on you for the betrayal. They say they did said actions because you did said action. That is not taking full accountability. For example, someone may say they cheated because you were distant or someone may say they lied to you about something because they knew you would react badly. There is no excuse for poor communication and breaking someone’s trust and boundaries.
They do the thing that caused the betrayal AGAIN. If someone does something once, that hurts a lot but I think there is more chance of the betrayed person being able to forgive and move on versus if the offender continues to hurt them.
They lie or hide things from you. This shows that they do not respect you and you should not entertain giving someone with a dishonest heart your heart again. Dishonest people will most likely betray you again and just hide it from you. They do not like to face the consequences of their actions, so they will lie.
Reasons why I WOULD give another chance:
They show genuine remorse for their actions and understand your pain. They are compassionate and want to help you in your journey of healing from the betrayal.
They have a plan to make things right. Whether it’s going to therapy, communicating with you better, having daily check-ins, etc. They follow through with what they say they are going to do. Actions are more important than words, always!
They take the time to learn about how the betrayal affected you, and put effort into learning about all of your boundaries and learn how to not make the same mistake again. They ask questions and care about how to avoid doing it again.
One of my biggest flaws is that I tend to be too forgiving of a person. I’ve given people too many chances and believed in people’s false promises. From my experience, if you give people too many chances they respect you less. They think that you will never leave no matter what, so that makes them not put in as much effort to not hurt you again.
So I say this with my whole heart: NEVER give someone more than one, MAYBE two chances. If they do that thing that hurt you so much more than two times, they didn’t care about potentially losing you. If someone truly loved and cared about you, they would do everything in their power to not make the same mistake over and over again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the whole “I promise I will never do it again, just give me one more chance!” Six, seven chances later until I feel like I’m losing my mind. It isn’t worth it to go through the emotional turmoil of being let down over and over again.
I want to clarify that I am very into second chances. I think everyone deserves a second chance. We are human and we all make mistakes. You are two human beings who were once strangers and are learning about each other- you may not have known or understood someone’s boundaries especially in the first couple years. There can be growing pains in the beginning.
However, I no longer believe in third chances. Respect and care about yourself to know that if they wanted to keep you, they would do anything. You wouldn’t have to constantly be giving them chance after chance. Protect your heart, because at the end of the day you are number one.
Peace,
Nikki
Learning to set boundaries is a very important part of growing up and maintaining your mental health, and this is a huge part of that. When I was dating in high school I gave exactly zero chances, and broke up with girls at the drop of a hat, but luckily I haven't had to do that in a long time.
Wonderful post Nikki! You make some very well thought out excellent points 😊